I have been plagued with anxiety for most of my life. On and off I have phases where it hits me and I am usually afflicted for a few months before it tends to drop away for a little while, giving me some reprieve. While it’s seriously unpleasant it doesn’t stop me doing much. I continue on, trying to ignore it, or at least aim to give it as little attention as I possibly can. I hold on to my little girl a little closer. I am probably more needy of my husband, and on the flip side more irritated with him. But it generally just sits there, while I continue on with things as they were. Seemingly living in harmony with this uncomfortable mind state.
When I’m feeling anxious –
~ I am so stuck in my head it is a fucking nightmare. I may be thinking about someone else, something I did or said, or didn’t do or didn’t say, but generally, anxiety makes me incredibly selfish as it’s all about what goes on in my mind.
~ I doubt EVERYTHING. I am not good enough at ANYTHING. I feel worthless, insecure and suffer terribly from ‘imposter syndrome’.
~ I avoid socialising. I get anxious even thinking about checking my emails, and I absolutely hate social media.
~ Sometimes I feel like I am just loosing my shit completely. No really. It’s like the fear I feel must mean that something terrible is going to happen, and perhaps that something terrible is that I am just going to go completely crazy.
~ I obsess over things I have to do, and dread them.
~ I run.
~ I forget that I’m not alone. I stop looking around and get so lost in my own mess of a mind that I forget that there are many people who go through this daily.
And that is why I continue to share. To remind even one person out there that your are NOT ALONE. From the outside I look happy, healthy and like I have it all together. On the inside it’s just a series of good and bad days, sometimes just good and bad moments.
PS – For any suffers out there check out Sarah Wilson’s book ‘First we make the beast beautiful’ it’s an incredibly insightful and comforting read