In light of mental health week I thought I would talk about some darkness in my past – my experiences with anxiety.

Anxiety is characterised by many things, the feeling of fear, dread, tightness in the chest etc. For me anxiety was this constant feeling that something was wrong, and I would spend entire days, weeks, months trying to find out what that was. I needed to discover the cause of this feeling and when my mind would find something it thought may be leading to these awful, uncomfortable feelings it would fixate on it, obsess over it, play back entire scenes of the past and try to dissect events so I could move on from feeling this way – wrong. Our minds are complicated and our thoughts can be destructive. By giving in to the racing in our heads we are creating a self perpetuating cycle, there will always be something that we can use to make ourselves feel anxious, angry, upset or sad. I used to play back conversations and events over and over and portray my fears onto other people, obsessing over what they were thinking and whether they took something I said in a negative way. The day I let go of my thoughts, and finally discovered that I was not my mind but I was the observer of my mind, was the day I began to heal.

When I was diagnosed as having a chronic anxiety disorder I thought that would be it, that now I knew what was wrong I would be able to fix it and make it all go away, but really this was simply the beginning. If you are in a similar situation let me tell you this, it will not go away on it’s own. It requires hard work, determination, concentration and powerful mindfulness. You have 2 options – medication or meditation, or both. It will be a daily process where you need to be aware of when the feeling of fear creeps up, you need to have practiced deep breathing, relaxation and meditation so that you have these tools when you need them most. Unfortunately for me I found when I needed my meditation most I would be more likely to avoid it like the plague. I just couldn’t bear to sit still, watch and wait, because I was so afraid of my thoughts that being with them scared the hell out of me, so I ran. And ran some more. This helped, a lot. When I was running my mind was clear and I could watch my breath without thoughts creeping in, but I kept up my mindfulness practices when I was feeling semi normal and over time things abated. In fact over time things got really great, I began to practice yoga daily which was incredible as it is a strong movement but with breathing and concentration combined, a mind-body practice, so naturally it trained my mind to be still without having the added stress of just sitting with persistent thoughts. From there I dedicated half an hour every morning to stillness meditation, and this would set me up for the day as well as giving me first hand experience of being able to separate myself from my anxiety. I am not anxiety, I am the deep consciousness that underlies this sensation. By watching and waiting all passes, eventually.

This week listening to many talks, interviews and recounts from people with mental illness has not upset me, but rather empowered me. I have overcome this terrible affliction. I am not complacent, I know this will be something I work through for the rest of my life, but I am grateful for my past and my experiences as so many in our society struggle with this. I am so incredibly grateful to be able to share this with anyone reading, and pass on all I have learned and am still learning with all my students, as this is my journey, this is my karma, this is my gift to give. xxxx