6 weeks ago today my whole world shifted forever when my Dad died by suicide. I’m not going to go in to the details right now, it’s all too much to put in to words, but I can honestly say that I have been absolutely shaken to the core, and I will never be the same. This doesn’t mean my whole life has been ruined, because I have come to realise I cannot and will not adopt that attitude, but my every action will be forever shaped by the knowledge that all our lives are impermanent.

It’s as if overnight I developed a bullshit radar, and I can see straight through people. I have suddenly and fully realised that all we can do is be completely honest with ourselves and each other, for if we hide the truth of who we are what does that say about us? If we deny our own truth then we are simply wasting this precious life, and that in itself is so devastating. My Father was a private man, however he always confided in me and taught me to be straight up and talk no shit.

I have realised that this life is so incredibly precious, a rare gift that for some reason we take for granted even though we all know we are not getting out alive. Why do we waste so much time on insignificant things? No more will I let little things get to me, because at the end of the day who cares if my husband leaves his dirty clothes on the floor? Who cares if you are carrying an extra couple of kilos, why let what your friend said to you last week get to you, and what does it matter what kind of car we drive, or how big our house is, or how much money is in the bank? You cannot take any of these things with you. They bring only temporary joy, until you start to want for something else you don’t need. I’ve stopped checking my phone 20 times a day, because there is so much more beauty in the world than that on a screen.  3 things I feel so incredibly grateful for….

1. My absolutely amazing family. My husband and daughter have kept me smiling constantly since losing Dad. They gave me a reason to get out of bed in those first few days, and continue to bring me strength when I feel I have no more left to keep going. Included in my family are my closest friends. It brings both tears and joy to think of how much support and love I have been shown from those closest to me, you know who you are, and you saved me. I have not once felt alone through all of this, but rather I have come to appreciate my friendships so much more than I ever did before.
2. Nature. A couple of days after Dad left us I looked around and thought, holy crap how beautiful is this life? It of course broke my heart as I only wish he could’ve seen the beauty all around. But then it brought me comfort. The sun keeps rising and setting, the waves keep rolling in and the clouds float through the sky. Life is such a gift, and all around is incredible divinity.
3. Of course, my practice and my work. If I had’ve had to go back to a job I didn’t like, I would not have survived. But returning to teaching what I know and love was so comforting, it was as if it just flowed through me. Being on my mat is confronting, but also gives me the opportunity to process what is going on in my mind and body. Having the ability to connect with my breath has, on so many occasions of late, brought me back from near panic. I have always believed in the power of Yoga, but never so much as I do now.

I thought I had experienced so much, I thought I knew a lot of the human spirit, but I now know that I was living in such blissful denial. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, in fact I would give anything to go back to that place, but now that choice has been taken from me I am embracing this new way of being. I may have been shaken to the core, but my new core is even stronger, more present and more grateful than ever. Embrace this life, we are only guaranteed the one chance, so live fully and gratefully.